NYC-based Road Rat, Eric Svendsen, whose angular face still bears juvenile acne scars that have never properly healed and whose concomitant psychological scars will continue to haunt him to his grave, and Road Rat newbie Tony Trombino, owner of soft hands and puppydog eyes which foretold a similar aggressiveness at the plate, assisted yours truly with the all-important hospitality suite stocking.

This proved an important move as many Rats arrived on late flights and were in need of massive volumes of liquid refreshment.

Friday morning’s bus ride was relatively uneventful, excepting of course yours truly’s non-stop battle against showing everyone the phad thai consumed around 4AM.  Coach Mumbles, suffering from a case of halitosis so severe that he was banned from the party deck on the hotel roof, asked upon arrival at the field, “You okay to pitch?”  Answer:  “Mmmph – sure, I’m all set.  Just as soon as I can figure out which foot is which.”

Game One was against the ‘Prambors’ team from Jakarta we played against in the tourney in that fair city earlier in the year, splitting a pair of games.  The Rats quickly put a 4-spot on the board in the top of the first, en route to an eventual 14-2 victory.  “Phat” Adam Persson, a groteque, Swedish meatball of a man whose belly so shades hit feet that they are actually translucent from lack of sunlight, provided the first entry in the pink hat column.  After going 2-2 with a walk, sobriety reared its ugly head as he marched to the plate.  With a two-strike count and the sun beating mercilessly on his aching brain he clearly saw twin balls released from the opposing pitcher’s hand.  Taking a mighty cut, he hit one of them.  Unfortunately he guessed wrong and his swinging K provided great merriment for the assembled crowd.  Beers on Phat!  Hitting Hero for the game was Mr. Svendsen who went 3-3 with a walk.  Hitting Goat was Tim Lynch, a taciturn man whose oversize hands and feet make him look like some kind of demented scarecrow, who went 0-4.

After an arduous 7.3 minute bus ride from Field Three to the main stadium, the Rats returned to the field to play our old friends the Gashouse Gang from Hong Kong.  This game proved a low-scoring affair, with the rats leading 6-2 after 5 complete.  Unhappily, a combination of poor Rats situational hitting, plus a freak infestation of 17-year locusts, meant the Rats left approximately 112 runners on base in a 7-inning game.  This proved costly as Gashouse pushed across 7 runs in their final two innings.  This compared favorably to the Rats’ surprising switch to employ the hit-a-lazy-fly-ball-and-hope-they-drop-it strategy.  Alas this proved unreliable and the Rats bowed out meekly 9-6.  Part of the problem was a startling loss of control by normally reliable Dan “Grinch” Grindell, whose dogs wouldn’t mush no matter how many times he pitched the ball 4 feet behind the batter.

For this game, hitting goat-turn-hero was Mr. Lynch whose 3-3 led the way.  Also hitting well was Taiwan Road Rat, Keith Dishart, a man so hirsute that several other hotel guests filed complaints about putative violations of the ‘No Pets’ policy.  Hitting goat was Willy Wahba who managed an 0-4, with a K, from the 2-slot!  Far from anchoring the batting order, we soon learned that Willy would be best served by anchoring the couch in the party room … especially since no one was in that room anyway.

The Rats also turned in several sparkling defensive plays, but none more exciting than the soft pop up caught by Steve Davis.  Steve, whose burly 4’8” stature belies a twisted man who still suffers severe mental anguish from a savage squirrel attack that has left him deathly afraid of acorns to this day, was positioned at third base when the Gashouse batter gently lofted the ball toward him.  The crowd held its collective breath as Steve, motoring in super slo-mo, “raced” in maybe 3 steps to make a tumbling, twisting belly flop to snare the ball mere inches before it hit the ground.  At which moment Steve’s lumbering bulk hit the ground with a mighty thud that apparently registered at 5.4 on the seismic equipment at the local monitoring station, prompting a precautionary tsunami alert to be posted across the breadth of the Gulf of Thailand.

Following this disappointing loss the Rats had the pleasure of waiting roughly 9 hours for the day’s final game versus the Korea Guzzlers.  The Rats employed this time usefully by consuming lots of beer, smoking cigarettes and partaking the traditional overwarm, crappy tequila that comes with the Barbie canteen.  Little were we to know that tragedy would soon befall us.  (Oooh, foreshadowing!)

Of course, the Korea Guzzlers are noteworthy opponents for the Rats insofar as they feature several aspects to their game that are not part of the Rats’ attack.  Specifically, but in no particular order, these attributes are:  speed, hitting for average, solid fielding, baserunning skills, hitting for power, strong outfield arms, pitching, athletic & in-shape bodies and, of course, actual softball skills.  But other than that the two teams couldn’t be more alike.

Needing their “A-game” the Rats naturally brought their F-minus game.  The less said the better, so let’s just leave it at a highly stinky 13-3 loss.

After this admittedly expected result, the Rats boarded the bus for the customary 17 hour bus ride through traffic back to city.  With our spirits lifted, thanks to a massive pre-bus beer purchase, we were suddenly brought face-to-face with the bald truth that the Grim Reaper bends to no earthly schedule, that tragedy can strike at any time no matter how totally inconvenient.

I’m not really sure how best to put this, so I guess I’ll waffle a bit, leaving you in the dark.

For those elder Rats who have not had the pleasure of formal introduction, let me pen a few words of praise.  For these past few years the Rats’ tourneys have been graced by a child’s pink plastic Barbie canteen.  This canteen was ALWAYS filled with warm Jose Cuervo Gold tequila and was welcomed by all tourney participants.  Indeed, many would argue that Barbie made the Rats more friends than, than, than – well I can’t think of anything more friendly than a plastic canteen filled with warm crappy tequila on a hot day.  Let’s just say that Barbie became an integral part of the traveling comedy routine known as the Singapore River Rats.

Not more than 10 minutes into the aforementioned bus ride to Bangkok city center, we discovered that Barbie had been left behind at the field.  Upon learning this, a great wailing was heard from the Rats’ bus, along with not inconsiderable gnashing of teeth, pulling of hair and rending of clothing amidst the countless eructations.

Knowing the suspense is killing you, dear reader, I will cut, as it were, to the chase.  Upon our return to the playing fields on the following day were unable to locate Barbie and she was lost to us forever.

Let us now pause for a moment of silence to honor Barbie’s fine memory.

And let us honor her with a limerick:

There was a Barbie canteen hot pink
Many livers she happ’ly help’d sink
With tequila for Rats
Barbie aided their bats
But now graces a Thai kitchen sink

Or for the more solemn among you, perhaps a haiku will do:

O Barbie Canteen
Warm tequila your birthright
Sorrow reigns o’er Rats

Anyway, wipe those tears away you sniveling sniveller, there are more softball memories to abuse.

The party suite and hotel roof pool saw vigorous usage that night.  One Rat’s deeds were particularly noteworthy.  Bill Lafferandre, whose lazy eye and hunchbacked posture did little for his on-field performance, put on quite a show, leading to his unavailability for the Saturday AM busride.  On the other hand, we now know we are covered if we ever encounter a sudden and urgent need to ring cathedral bells at any future tournaments.

The Rats entered the second day with a 1-2 record, itching for a chance for redemption.  First up was the Tokyo Ghostriders team.  This is one of those teams that seem to change their name every year, much like your common garden snake or perhaps an arthropod molts.

Buttressed with some new arrivals to the squad, the game started well, with the Rats plating 7 runs in the top of the first.  Indeed, nearly everyone joined the hitting party, expecting of course our leadoff hitter who managed to make both the first and last outs of the inning.  But, apparently, old habits die hard and the Rats’ bats immediately went cold.  Clinging to a 1-run lead, the Rats couldn’t hold off the Ghostriders who scored 2 in the bottom of the 7th to win the game 11-10.

Going 3-4 with 4 RBI, hitting star for the Game was Jeff Whitley, a man with nervous tics so numerous and disconcerting one had the constant, uneasy feeling he was literally going to jump out of his skin and assault you with a bone plucked from his own frame.  Dragging in with a 0-4 game, our hitting goat was normally reliable leadoff man Phil Galetto, a fellow whose hair weave is an epic trichological disaster.  A crowning achievement indeed, by which standard even Donald Trump’s – nay, Pervez Musharraf’s – follicular misadventures compare favorably.

After this misfortune, the Rats re-grouped to play the Pattaya Sports Club, a team depleted by injuries and alcohol intake.  This game started where the last one left off and the Rats quickly fell behind.  After 3½ innings the Rats trailed 7-2, and coach Mumbles had intemperate words with the lads.  Hmmm, wait – that’s not quite right.  No, I think the Dear Leader positively went apeshit and used language not fit for reproduction in a family-oriented outlet such as this forum.

Whatever he said seemed to work, as the Rats immediately scored 5 runs, and eventually won by a comfortable 17-8 margin.  The big blow came off the bat of Mr. Svendsen who knocked our only homer of the tourney, en route to driving in four runs for the game.  Mr. Whitley & Mr. Davis also had multiple hits, as did one of our Taiwan-based Road Rats.  The latter gent is Joe O’Brien, a lusty, big-boned lad without a trace of grey matter between the ears.  In fact, his bovine expression of contentment was so compelling that we left him on the bus upon arrival in the morning on Day One only to find him in the same position for the return trip at the day’s end.  Phat Adam’s 2-RBI pinch hit in the 6th inning helped put the game out of reach.  Also pinch hitting successfully was Eric Levy, whom we nicknamed the “Cheer Ya Up Boy” because his personal grooming habits were so repulsive that, upon seeing him, one couldn’t help but feel better about one’s own lot in life.

Despite the win, hitting goats were plentiful.  Representing the 0-2 crowd were Mr. Grindell, Mr. Lynch, Mr. Wahba, and Aaron “Takin’ the Midnight Plane from Jakarta” Oliver.  A gaunt, solemn man whose haunted visage only hints at untold depths of psychic pain, Mr. Oliver was saved from an 0-3 effort only by virtue of there being a runner on 3rd base with less than 2 outs when he lofted a lazy floater to left center field.  Not spared this fate was Mr. Tony “Chair Slayer” Trombino whose 0-3 included 2 lazy flies plus a strike out (= a Pink Hat too!).

Now back in the win column and sporting a new attitude to go with their 2-5 record the Rats’ next opponent was the Shanghai #1 Sons.  Win and move on, lose and go home … or start to drink heavily, whichever is more convenient.

Before we relate this game, let’s review the results so far:

Game One:  vs. Prambors – Win
Game Two:  vs. Gashouse – Loss
Game Three:  vs. Guzzlers – Loss
Game Four:  vs. Ghostriders – Loss
Game Five:  vs. Pattaya Sports Club – Win

In other words, we win when we play a team that starts with a “P” and lose when the opponent’s name begins with a “G”.

But this team’s name starts with an “S” (or with a “#” if you’re really pedantic).  What on earth does this mean?

Apparently it means that the Rats will play the worst game in the history of organized sports.  Wait – maybe not that bad.  I mean, it’s not like we played as bad as, say, the Mets in the last game of the regular season or, bleeecchhh, like the Detroit Lions.

But it was pretty spectacularly bad.  As in … a team batting average of .261 (6-23).  As in … defensive miscues from the get-go when we could’ve been out of the first inning with only one run against, versus the 8 that eventually did score then.  How on earth we scratched out 2 runs (final score was 18-2) I’ll never know.

Hitting star was Ozy Burns, whose 1-for-1 and handlebar mustache gave his teammates the faintest hope of a Catfish Hunter-type talent in our midst.  Alas, the ever-present tendrils of drool reminiscent of an actual catfish proved to be a more accurate guide.

And that was that.  We didn’t even have Barbie to console us.  (Though we did have a new drinking implement added to the arsenal, the Sauce Bottle.)

Comedy relief was provided by Road Rat support crew member Marc Crowe, a man-child whose unfortunate tendency to wet himself requires him to wear rubberized undershorts at all times despite the fact he is in his 5th decade of life.  Down by 16 runs in the bottom of the final inning to be played, Crowe managed to get thrown out on the base paths while trying to take an extra base.  Un-frickin-believable.

The only positive to emerge from this was that an enormous quantity of beer had already been brought Rat-ward by Road Rat support crew member Ron Bacher, whose buck-toothed, devoid-of-intelligence grin did nothing to dissuade one from assuming that a total lack of depth of intellect lurks behind his glassy eyes.

And that was the end of the Rats’ Bangkok sojourn.

Or was it?

After the usual post-tourney beverage consumption, the Rats began to fly off to their respective day jobs, families and other distractions.  Most left on Sunday or Monday, but a lucky few planned to stay a little longer to partake of the many options in the tourism mecca that is Thailand.  I mean, it’s Thailand –what could possibly go wrong???

Well, I dunno, maybe on Tuesday I guess the protesters who had been occupying a few government offices downtown could, oh I don’t know, jump on buses and block the big new airport, stranding tens of thousands of holiday makers who expect to exit via the nation’s main international gateway.  No, what am I thinking??  That could NEVER happen.

Mr. Svendsen was one lucky Rat who decided to stay on a few extra days to relax on the beach in Krabi.  The solution:  overnight bus ride to Hat Yai, badger the local business rep to pick up and drive to Thai-Malaysia border, in time to meet another badgered local rep on the Malaysian side to take to Alor Star, to be able to take another overnight bus to Singapore.  Piece of cake, and a very relaxing way to top off your fun holiday in Thailand!

The other Rat stuck in Thailand was Grinch, who single handedly flew the Rats flag in Bangkok for TEN MORE DAYS until he was able to leave.  Hey Grinch – next time you should just hang out there until the next tourney!

In keeping with the dark theme, we present herewith the most negative stats we can find for each player:

* Editors Note: Not sure where “Phat” got his numbers from. The only correct one is that he struck out twice. Official tournament stats are provided via the link.
Official BKK Stats

•  Phil Galetto – 1 for 10 on Day Two; numerous booted balls at shortstop; .350 for the tourney
•  Willy Wahba – THREE o-fers out of six games; K; .211 for the tourney; GIDP
•  Keith Dishart – 0-3 in final game; Actual pre-game comment: ‘Guys, let’s make this fast, I’ve got a turtle head’; .474 for the tourney
•  Steve Davis – 0-3 in game two; K; .389 for the tourney; GIDP
•  Tim Lynch – FOUR o-fers out of six games;.294 for the tourney
•  Tony Trombino – TWO o-fers out of six games; K; .263 for the tourney; numerous lazy fly balls
•  Eric Svendsen – Two overnight bus rides; .526 for the tourney
•  Joe O’Brien – 0-3 in Game One; .500 for the tourney
•  Eric Levy – .400 for the tourney; please try to invest in some product
•  Adam Persson – TWO o-fers out of five games; 2Ks; .462 for the tourney
•  Ozy Burns – Foolish mistake of hitting safely so Crowe could run the bases for you, Bad Ozy!
•  Aaron Oliver – K; .375 for the tourney
•  Bill Lafferandre – .333 for the tourney; don’t worry we’re looking for some bells for you to ring
•  Dan Grindell – .333 for the tourney; GIDP; ineffective strategy of pitching 4 feet behind the opposing batters
•  Harris Vertlieb – .000 for the tourney!!; lousy coaching
•  Jeff Whitley – .700 for the tourney, can’t think of anything super negative right now, but I’m sure someone else will
•  Marc Crowe – legendarily boneheaded base running mistake = truly a Rat!

“The Trot”

At the start of the day, the Guzzlers sat atop the Singapore league table with an unblemished record.  On paper the Guzzlers look good.  In real life, they are even bigger.  No slouches themselves, the plucky River Rats were perched in the cat-bird seat, posting but a single loss in league games to date.

(Oh, who am I kidding, the Rats are terrific slouches!)

So, on the card was a twin-bill matchup of the league’s two top teams for all the marbles and Sunday beer league bragging rights.  (Or, if you prefer, please insert your own sports cliché(s) in the previous sentence.)

Game One started well, with Phun Phil Galetto on the mound.  A crackerjack ace, Galetto’s stunning variety of pitches kept the Guzzlers off balance.  In fact, the Guzzlers’ line up posted bagels in the scoring column for 4 of the 7 innings.

The Rats jumped out to an early lead, scoring 5 runs in the first inning.  The big blast came off of – and no, we are not kidding – Kevin “I Am The New Beefcake” Weisgerber’s bat.  Kevin’s dinger was soon followed by one from Mister Cappetta and the Rats’ lead after 2 frames was 11-4.

But, after holding the Rats scoreless in the top of the third, the Guzzlers doubled their tally to close the gap to 11-8.

After the Rats re-extended their lead to 15-8, the Guzzlers plated 4 in the bottom of the 6th to keep things interesting.

A five-Rats run outburst in top of the 7th brought the score to 20-12, which was the final score.

Special note must be made of the exemplary defense played by the Rats, especially by Chief Johnson, who gunned down a runner at second on a ball hit to the fence in right.

Hitting standout of the game was Superman Galetto, who went 5-5.  Also noteworthy were 4-5 performances by John Capetta and Joe Packer.

But the best moment of the day was when Phil “I Am Thinking About Using My Softball Studliness as a Platform for Running for Public Office” Galetto struck out the Guzzlers’ #3 hitter to end the game on a called strike three.

With the two teams tied for the league lead, both having one loss on the season, the second game took on greater import.

As punishment for playing so well, Phun Phil was removed from the mound in favor of yours truly.  But once again, the Rats jumped out to an early lead.  In fact, after the Rats scored 5 runs in the bottom of the first inning, they never relinquished the lead, en route to a comfortable 12-7 victory.

In a repeat of the first game, the Rats’ defense went crazy, making every play and helping to keep the Guzzlers scoreless for four straight frames, and five overall donuts.  The profound wonderfulness of Bill Lafferandre’s diving, tumbling attempt at a line drive in right field was exceeded only by Jay Denenberg’s highlight reel catch for all-time on a deep drive in left center.  Words don’t exist to describe the catch, so suffice it to say that it was precisely 17.24 times more bitchin’ than any play you have ever seen with your own eyes.

And Jay wasn’t done, as he went 3-3 with a homer and a monster double to right that woulda been a homer in any park, excepting it was a smidge to the right of the doubles/homer pole.  Also going yard in this game were Joe Packer and John Cappetta.

Lastly, just when you think you’ve seen everything, something happens that you might not see even if you watch slow pitch softball for 100 years.  The final out of Game One came on a perfect pitch that just nipped the very front of the plate.  Called third strikes are pretty rare (unless your name is Chad Garcia), especially to end a game.  Sure enough, the final out of the second game ALSO came on a called third strike!  And the Rats are in sole possession of first place in the league.

And now it’s on to Bangkok, where The Wolf is on the prowl….

Then, as I waited in line to board, I saw a sign from whatever guiding force directs our puny lives.

I swear upon all that I hold holy (e.g. beer) that I am not making this up, the woman in line 5 or 6 people ahead of me was wearing a jean jacket embroidered with two words on the back:

THE WOLF

Abandon all faith ye who enter here.  You have been warned.

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!!!

In game 1 The Rats loaded up in the first inning by sending 12 men to the plate and scoring 7 runs, the highlight being a monster HR from John ” TKO” Cappetta.  The Headhunters were shut out and didn’t even get a hit until the 5th inning.  The Rats won easily 11-0, but not before Jay Denenberg and John TKO went back to back for two more mosnter HR’s!

Game two took on a different feel as Frank “Aussie,Aussie Aussie” took the mound.  The Rats scored 4 runs in the top of the 1st .  With the wind blowing at gusts of 2MPH and the threat of rain it was tough for Frank to throw strikes.  He got out of the 1st inning with a beautiful DP started by SS John Cappetta.  But in the second inning the Headhunters scored 4 runs on numerous wind assisted walks.  The Rats came back and scored 4 more in the 3rd and another in the 4th to take a 9-4 lead.  The Headhunters made a game of it by scoring 2 more to make the score 9-6, but  The Rats contiuned to score while holding down The Headhunters and won 12-6.

Pink Hat award goes to Chad “I must be Blind” Garcia for looking at a called strike 3!

Game One versus our newest arch-rivals started well, as the Rats sent 17 batters to the plate, scoring 11 runs.  This inning set a recipe for the rest for the game, namely a dash of dodgy defense by the VBears + a dollop of walks by their pitcher + a sprinkling of seeing-eye grounders + a pinch of well-hit balls = a tasty confection of Rats victory.

The first inning score was quickly doubled as the Rats raced out to a 22-0 lead, with no VBears reaching base in their first two half-innings.

As a result, the Rats’ brain trust (har!) decreed a special ‘today-only’ pink hat rule:  any additional Rat walks would earn a PH and require a beer purchase.

First to “fall” was one Mr. Ted Toth, a proud new father and now an enabler of beer consumption.  Keep up the good work Ted!  Steve Kreutter also fell victim to this nefarious plot.

Amazingly, the new pink hat ruling actually led to some very interesting at bats, as each Rat’s plate strategy became one of trying to guess whether or not a potential future pitch would be less or more hittable that the present offering.  Oh those wacky River Rats – never satisfied with conventional challenges.

Special note in this category goes to Chad Garcia who, with the avidity of an investment banker looking for a bailout, dove forward on a 3-2 pitch some 18 inches in front of the plate and managed to whack it safely into left field.  Mention also goes to Adam Persson who alertly fouled off a 3-1 pitch that would have landed maybe 2 feet deep in order to get to the 3-2 offering, which also was hit safely to left.

As Game One headed for its eventual conclusion the softball gods decided they had had enough of this tomfoolery.  The heavens opened up and rained out Game Two.

But the worst thing was that the beer guys at the field were having trouble getting set up so the team was unable to take advantage of this opportunity to more finely hone their beer consumption skills.  Rainy faces, indeed!

We normally conclude these little softball vignettes with a roundup of the day’s actions.  However, since pretty much everyone hit well – all but one of the 13-strong initial batting order scored twice – we’ll just leave it at that.

Except, we do need to record for all time that Chad “Mr. Hitting Machine” Garcia struck out in the at bat following the one mentioned above.  Good job Chad.

Both games were rather sloppy affairs with both teams making errors in fielding, though the Rats were better able to capitalize on the opportunities the miscues afforded.  Game One started well, with the Rats jumping out to a 3-0 lead.  After a tepid second inning, the Rats sent 11 men to the plate in the 3rd, plating 7 runs to take a commanding lead 10-2.  A further handful of runs came in the 4th.  And after holding the ‘Cats in the top of the 5th, the Rats wrapped up a 15-3 skunk-rule victory.

Comedy relief was supplied by yours truly, as I was thrown out going first-to-third … on an infield single.  Go figure.  After not ‘hatting’ for the entirety of last season I woke from my ‘slump’ and earned two on the day, with the other one coming on a fouled strike three.  Sadly for the other Rats there was no beer service at the field.

Special mention should also go to Kevin “What, Me Worry?” Weisgerber who tried for the rarely seen E-for-the-cycle, picking up 3-base and 2-base errors in his two first at bats.  Sadly, the Wildcats defense was less accommodating and rallied to catch the ball for Kevin’s third plate appearance.  Don’t worry Kevin, there are many more games to play this year!

Game Two saw the Rats pick up where they left things in Game One, with the first 11 batters scoring.  The Rats doubled that total over the ensuing two innings, en route to a final score of 23-1.

Comedy relief this time was supplied by the Rats bench who roundly booed John Cappetta for failing to hit a third consecutive homer, settling for a triple instead.  What a no heart, no hustle wimp.  Sheesh!

Special mention should also be made for the fine running catch Brian Porter made in left field.

Batting Crackerjacks:
* John Cappetta:  6 for 7, .857, 2 homers, 2 triples, 6 runs scored
* Eric Levy:  3 for 4, .750, 4 balls hit to the right side, 2 runs
* Tony Trombino:  4 for 6, .667, 3 triples, 4 runs
* Steve Davis:  4 for 6, .667, homer, 4 runs
* Chad Garcia:  4 for 6, .667, 3 runs

Batting Lumberjacks:
* Adam Persson:  3 for 5, .600, BB, K, 3 runs
* Matt O’Malley:  3 for 5, .600, 2 runs
* Kevin Weisgerber:  4 for 7, .571, 2 triples, 5 runs; donut in Game One and perfecto in Game Two

Batting Jacks:
* James Stanczak:  1 for 2, .500, 2 BBs, K, run
* Frank Hufschmid:  1 for 2, run

Batting Jills:
* Joe Packer:  2 for 6, .333, triple, 4 runs
* Brian Porter:  1 for 3, .333, 2 BBs, run
* Mark Bennick:  1 for 3, .333, 2 runs

Batting ‘Participant’ Ribbon Awardees:
* Tom Cordes:  1 for 5, .200
* Harris Vertlieb:  0 for 3, .000; truly a master of bagels

P.S.  Sorry for the delay in bringing you this drivel.  I had a major trade show to work.  There was a terrible flood.  I ran outta gas.  A plague of locusts….  Expect this past weekend’s game write up shortly.  -PH

So grab yer cutlass and yer best wench — or better yet, have her grab it –and prepare to be boarded!!

As ye know, yeh can’t spell pirate without RAT.

But we digress.

In an effort to expunge the ignominy of last year’s spectacular, almost Mets-like post-season collapse, Coach Mumbles held a series of pre-season practices to get the team ready for the season.  (Who says you can’t use the same word three times in same sentence?)  However, owing to travel schedules, untidy sock drawers and, in the case of one Rat who shall remain nameless, mah jongg with the potential in-laws (Phil Vandine), most veteran Rats eschewed the opportunity to practice and worked on their hangovers instead.

As is customary, the mid-week banter was fast and furious, with much speculation and more than a few wagers placed on the identity of the year’s first pink hat awardee.  Leading this charge was one Eric “Dog” Levy whose trash talking was unparalleled.  Hmmm, I wonder who might get that first hat???

Game One started crisply with the Rats batting in the top of the first.  Not wishing to spoil the Headhunters good feelings, the much-vaunted top of the Rats order carefully avoided scoring despite banging out two singles.  This was to be the exception, however, as the Rats scored in every subsequent inning en route to a 16-2 victory.

The highlight of Game One came in the second inning as Eric “I NEVER Get the Pink Hat” Levy knocked a single to shallow right field with the bases loaded.  Happily, Mark Harris was able to beat the throw home.  Unhappily, the combination of Dog’s enthusiasm and ocular insufficiencies carried him to the precise midpoint between first and second base, despite the fact that his teammates were standing motionless on the second and third base bags.  Aaaaand … DINGDINGDING, we have a winner!  The first pink hat of the year goes to the one talking the most smack.  Thanks for the beer, Dog, we appreciate it!

Dog’s pink hat-dom lasted but a few innings, as Frank Hufschmid’s foul for a third strike garnered the bench another pitcher of frosty brew.

Debate continues to rage over a potential, though eventually un-awarded, third pink hat to John “I Am Unclear What to Do After the Ball Hits Squarely in the Center of the Pocket of My Glove” Cappetta.  (Hint: squeeze the glove, John.)

After a short delay, Game Two started with a bang.  This time the top of the order jumped out quickly, with 4 of the first 5 Rats scoring.  The big hit of the inning was a dinger by Steve “Silverback” Davis.  Naturally, and as readers of this blog have come to expect, the Rats promptly went scoreless for the next four innings.

Up by a score of only 4-1, the Rats doubled their total in the bottom of the sixth, with the big blow again coming from the bat of Silverback.  Down by 7, the Headhunters’ attempted comeback fell short and the Rats came away with a pair of victories to start the season.

Batting Stud Muffins:
* Willy “If AIG Goes Under Do I Still Have to Move to KL?” Wahba:  .714 (5 for 7)
* Mark “Somebody Please Sell Me a Knee” Harris:  .600 (3 for 5), 2 BBs
* Steve “My Average Would be Higher if I Hadn’t Forgotten to Bring the Scorekeeper” Davis:  .571 (4 for 7), 2 HRs
* Steve “I’m So Old My Children Have Retired” Kreutter:  .571 (4 for 7)
* Ron “Ask Me About My Ass!” Bacher:  .571 (4 for 7)

Batting Corn Muffins:
* John “I Promise to Do Something More Stupider So I Can Earn a Nickname” Cappetta:  .500 (3 for 6), BB
* Adam “Move Yer Feet, Meat” Persson:  .500 (2 for 4), 2 BBs
* Tom “Small Sample Set” Cordes:  .500 (1 for 2)

Batting Day-Old Muffins:
* Joe “I Was Robbed!” Packer:  .333 (2 for 6), BB
* Chad “No Nickname Yet” Garcia:  .333 (1 for 3), 2 BBs
* Brian “Same Nickname as Chad” Porter:  .333 (2 for 6)
* Frank “Mercy Man” Hufschmid:  .333 (1 for 3), K
* Eric “Go Ahead, Ask Me to Talk Pink Hat Trash Again” Levy:  .250 (1 for 4), BB

Batting Bran Muffins (e.g. those who need to blow it out before the next game):
* Mark “Back Off, Buddy” Bennick:  .000 (0 for 3)
* Matt “Yes, But I had a Walk, Too” O’Malley:  .000 (0 for 2), BB